


First Time or "Is it okay if it's spotted like that?"

by Griselda_Gimpel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alien Gender/Sexuality, Bad Puns, Explicit Language, F/M, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Other, Post-Canon, Puns & Word Play, Sexual Humor, not smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 08:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20189404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griselda_Gimpel/pseuds/Griselda_Gimpel
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley attempt physical intimacy and fail hilariously.





	First Time or "Is it okay if it's spotted like that?"

The movie of the night was Casablanca. As Rick and the Captain walked off happily together and the credits rolled, Crowley began to tell about how he’d written a different ending during production, but he soon realized that Aziraphale was not attending. He was looking very intently at Crowley from his place next to him on the couch, and it clear that there was something on his mind.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Crowley asked.

“Have you ever had intercourse?” Aziraphale asked.

“Oh, sure, lots of times. You?”

“Not since back when it meant having a conversation with someone. Why must humans change what all the words mean every century?”

Crowley shrugged. “Human is as human does.”

Aziraphale frowned. “Is that a quote?”

“You must not have seen that one,” Crowley said. “I’ll have to show it to you some time. What has intercourse on your mind?”

“I’d rather like to try it. With you.”

“Ah.”

“But I don’t actually know, um, what to do.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I’ve heard it can be a lot of fun!”

“Oh, yes,” Crowley said. “It can be, and I’d love to do it with you. Anyway, there’s nothing hard at all about intercourse. We just need two cocks, is all.”

“Cocks?” Aziraphale repeated. “Why, I saw a cock-seller in Soho just this morning! It really was a nice selection. Say, my dear, want to go over there now?”

“You’re on, Angel!”

With the way Crowley drove, they were in Soho barely a minute after they left. It took a further ten minutes for them to find parking. After they exited the vehicle, Aziraphale led Crowley to the cock-seller, where the purchased two cocks and then returned to Crowley’s apartment complex. Once there, Aziraphale and Crowley each took one of the covered cages and carried them up the stairs.

Once inside, they removed the covers and took out the cocks. They’d bought two big, white, gleaming cocks with red heads and beady eyes. Crowley’s cock tried to flutter his wings, but Crowley’s grip remained firm. Aziraphale’s cock attempted to peck at him, but Aziraphale moved his hands in time.

“Now that we each have a cock,” Aziraphale said, “what exactly do we do with them?”

“Rub them together,” Crowley explained. “It’s called frottage.”

“Let’s give the old college try then,” Aziraphale said.

Frottage proved to be more difficult than expected. Cocks are notoriously territorial. As soon as Crowley’s cock and Aziraphale’s cock came close to each other, they swung their feet in an attempt to cut the other, and their beaks strained to reach the other’s eyes. Aziraphale and Crowley hastily moved their cocks apart.

“Sorry,” Crowley said. “Forgot that we have to turn them around first.”

This also proved to be a challenge. Once the cocks were each facing an angel or a demon, they know longer showed any interest in each other. Instead, they showed a great deal of interest in going for the angel and the demon in question. It didn’t take long for Aziraphale and Crowley to call it quits, but before they did so, they’d sustained a number of nicks and cuts to their fingers.

“I say,” Aziraphale said, after they had finally managed to stuff the cocks back in their cages, “is there something else we could do for intercourse? I didn’t expect it to hurt so!”

“What? Oh, yeah, of course. Shouldn’t have started you out with the rough stuff right out of the gate. Why don’t we get some pussy? There’s a stray who lives in the alley outside. Come on, Angel.”

Crowley led Aziraphale to the alley in question. The pussy was there, sitting on a garbage can, licking her paw. Aziraphale approached her cautiously.

“Here, pussy,” Aziraphale said in a soothing voice.

The pussy looked up from her cleaning job, hissed at him, leapt off of the garbage can, and took off.

“After her!” Crowley shouted.

A mighty chase followed. There was the pallet of wood that Crowley tripped over and the pile of boxes Aziraphale ran through. The pussy, on the other hand, fled gracefully through the alley until she was out of sight. Thus, despite Crowley and Aziraphale’s best efforts, they didn’t get any pussy.

“What do you even do with the pussy once you get it?” Aziraphale asked.

“Do with it?” Crowley echoed. “You don’t- getting the pussy is the whole point!”

“Oh,” Aziraphale said. “This intercourse thing is dreadfully more complicated than I imagined.”

“Here, how about this,” Crowley said. “Why don’t we go eat some dick? You ever been to Caffé Concerto by Trafalgar Square?”

“Not in a while,” Aziraphale answered, “although I remember their tea time being an absolute delight.”

“They’re having a special right now,” Crowley said. “Dick’s on the menu. What do you say we head over there?”

“Okay,” Aziraphale said, and they headed to Crowley’s car. Once they had parked, they took a seat at the restaurant and examined the menu.

“See,” Crowley said. “Spotted dick.”

“I thought it was bad if a dick had spots?” Aziraphale asked. He vaguely recalled hearing that somewhere.

“Only for humans,” Crowley assured him.

“Should we get the spotted dick with custard or without?”

“That’s personal preference,” Crowley said, “but personally, when I eat dick, I prefer it to be covered in custard.”

“Custard it is, then.”

They put in their orders and before long, their spotted dick with custards had arrived. The server put a plate down in front of each of them. Aziraphale picked up his fork, dipped a piece of spotted dick into the custard, put it in his mouth, closed his eyes, and savored the taste.

“Delicious,” he said after he had swallowed. “I suppose this means that I’m no longer a virgin, doesn’t it?”

“You got it, Angel.”

“I’m glad my first time was with you,” Aziraphale said.

“Me, too.”

“Me…too…?” Aziraphale echoed.

“Meaning that I’m also glad that your first time was with me,” Crowley injected swiftly, but Aziraphale was already frowning.

“I say, my dear, is it really okay for us to be doing this in public? I rather had the idea that intercourse was something done in private?”

“Er…”

“Come to think of it, I would have sworn that if it involved animals, it was called bestiality.”

“Uh…”

“Are you absolutely certain you’ve done this before?”

“Fine!” Crowley burst out, causing everyone else in the restaurant to look at him. He looked embarrassed and quieted down. “I haven’t.”

“Never?”

“Never,” Crowley confessed. “Oh, I wanted to. Really thought I was getting somewhere with King James back in the day, but then he was like ‘George this’ and ‘George that’, until I eventually said, ‘If you like him that much, why don’t you make him the Gentleman of your Bedchamber!’”

“My goodness! What happened after that?”

“He did.”

“So you never…?”

Crowley gave a despairing moan as an answer. “I really did think cocks, pussy, and dick were involved somehow,” Crowley said.

“I think it’s time we got a human perspective on this matter,” Aziraphale declared.

\---

Anathema had just finished tying Newt’s hands to the head of the bed when a knock came from the front of Jasmine Cottage.

“You’re going to have to get that,” Newt joked, “I’m all tied up at the moment.”

Anathema rolled her eyes (but grinned) and went to answer the door. She opened it to find Aziraphale and Crowley standing there. Aziraphale was holding two cages containing roosters. Crowley was holding two plates of pudding and custard.

“What do you two want?” she asked.

They explained their predicament. A great many questions from her followed. Then she took a break to untie Newt. Then she asked more questions. It took her some time to work out the root of the problem. It was so basic, she didn’t know how Aziraphale and Crowley had missed it, but she supposed it came with them not being human.

“Can you help us?” Crowley asked.

“If I do, will you go away?”

“Yes,” Aziraphale promised.

“Okay, if you want to have intercourse with each other-”

“Yes?” Crowley asked.

“What you need to do is-” Anathema paused and took a deep breath.

“Oh do tell!” Aziraphale said.

“You need to miracle yourselves up some genitalia!”

**Author's Note:**

> There really is a Caffé Concerto by Trafalgar Square, and while they don't (as far as I'm aware) serve spotted dick, their tea time is absolutely amazing.


End file.
